Every second of my life right now truly feels like God (or the Universe or something less offensive to others) gently nudging me in a clear direction. I cannot begin to explain how these past week has been the strangest roller coaster of my life; one minute I’m bouncy and hopeful, the next I’m uncomfortable in my own skin and trying to shove doors open (not literally or I would be in a jail again haha).
To better explain…
I have been planning to travel ever since I begun travelling. I know, silly, right? Once in New Zealand my next goal was to plan ahead and save for MORE. I was loving my current situation and decided I wanted to stay, if my work would sponsor me. It is so true that when you find happiness, you attract happiness, and only two weeks after I made the decision of staying because I am happy did someone unexpectedly swept me off my feet.
For many months we were lost in lust or whatever we wanted to call it; dreaming, planning and speaking of nothing but the future. Yet talking about the future prohibits you from enjoying the now. It is so dangerous, mentally and emotionally, because it allows us to forget the present and instead put so much dedication into something that isn’t right in front of us. IT. ISN’T. REAL.
So when these alarming questions of “is this working?” and “what am I doing with my time?” were pressing on my mind for weeks, it wasn’t shocking to find out that this guy felt the same. The only answer was to end this relationship and start again from scratch.
We all know breaking up is hard. So hard that we actually push the thought to the back of our mind and often look for the next hurt soul to help us forget about being in our own skin. The thought of living life alone is scary. The thought of being forced to leave everything you have grown to love is scary. In my case, the thought of not being able to return and work in this beautiful country is scary.
We never want change, it always finds us, and in our most vulnerable state of mind, might I add. But the second we get over the fear of it we are able to embrace what we really wanted all along. I guess what I’m trying to say is screw you change. I’m sick you of your bossy ways. This time, it’s on my terms, and I think I am ready.