Every second of my life right now truly feels like God (or the Universe or something less offensive to others) gently nudging me in a clear direction. I cannot begin to explain how these past week has been the strangest roller coaster of my life; one minute I’m bouncy and hopeful, the next I’m uncomfortable in my own skin and trying to shove doors open (not literally or I would be in a jail again haha). It’s been months since my second visa was approved and now I’m coping with the transitions.
To better explain…
I have been planning to travel ever since I began traveling. I know, it’s a viscous cycle. Once in New Zealand my next goal was to plan ahead and save for MORE TRAVEL. I was loving my current situation but always dreaming about that next destination. It is so true that when you find happiness, you attract happiness, and only weeks after that did someone unexpectedly swept me off my feet.
For many months we were lost in lust or whatever we wanted to call it; dreaming, planning and speaking of nothing but the future. Yet talking about the future prohibits you from enjoying the now. It is so dangerous, mentally and emotionally, because it allows us to forget the present and instead put so much dedication into something that isn’t right in front of us. IT. ISN’T. REAL.
I felt too much pressure too early on to make our relationship work. So when these alarming questions of “is this working?” and “what am I really doing here?” are pressing on my mind for weeks, it isn’t shocking to find out that this guy felt the same. The only answer was to end this relationship.
We all know breaking up is hard. So hard that we actually push the thought to the back of our mind and often look for the next hurt soul to help us forget about being in our own skin. The thought of living life alone is scary. The thought of being forced to leave everything you have grown to love is scary. In my case, the thought of staying in the beautiful country only to be reminded of him around every corner is scary.
To date, this has been the darkest period of my life, the most formidable time in which I had to make a very VERY tough decision. Do I stay in New Zealand and acquire citizenship through my company (which is fighting for me to stay) or do I leave in search of something else? To be honest, I was at the lowest point and weight of my life. Depression had sunken into my bones that I couldn’t find the will to eat. A few weeks after the planned breakup, my good friend Heather demanded I leave that flat, lease and man altogether. Her gypsy flat house was located high in the hills of Oriental Bay. It was during this time that I sublet a room and made friends with an old cat who encouraged me to eat soup. Looking back, I am full of love for Heather and her loyal friendship.
The only answer for me has always been travel. Leave. Run. I was a soldier returning to half her weight, and I must go find my happiness.
We never want change, it always finds us, and in our most vulnerable state of mind, might I add. But the second we get over the fear of it we are able to embrace what we really wanted all along. I guess what I’m trying to say is screw you change. I’m sick you of your bossy ways. This time, it’s on my terms, and I think I am ready.