I got through the mountain towns in The Colorado Trail Pt. I and have come to realize that I am embarking into the remote wilderness. The Colorado Trail Pt.II challenged me mentally far more than physically, but not really due to circumstances from the actual trail.
By this point, I was ready for anything. To be honest, I was expecting it to turn to crap by this point anyway. I was envisioning a hollow shell of my former self slowly pushing her bike up the Rocky Mountains and gasping for breath and food. However, that girl was nowhere to be found, and in her place was this fierce warrior who woke up each morning by the dawn’s light, swiftly packed her little belongings, ate a quick meal bar while skipping stretching, and mindlessly strolled onto her bike, eager for the next eight hours of pedaling, knowing it was eight hours closer to her final destination. I really was getting to Durango, even if I had a busted bike, body, or brain and needed to be wheeled there. This stubborn determination was the main driver in the following days to come.
To recap, my friend Austin came to join me for some segments in the later half. We hadn’t seen good weather for a few days now, and it was beginning to wear on me. I also realized my helmet’s MIPS were busted many months ago, which explained why I was getting so many headaches. To relieve the pain, I would place the helmet on my handlebars, and at one point, I was so frustrated with it getting in the way of my brakes that I punted the helmet clear across the trail into a nearby bush. I felt childish knowing Austin was watching my personal temper tantrum. Between sniffles, I muttered, “It’s not sustainable to leave plastic out here, right?” There is a hint of a smile as he kindly states, “Yeah, you’ll probably want that on the downhill.” This man was my emotional rock, being extra patient with me, and I was grateful for his friendship in the final segments of this trail.
Day eleven and I had lost all my bike repair gear. I didn’t realize in the haste of putting on all my rain gear that I had dropped my bike pump and entire bag of parts. We gathered flowers to create a subtle message for whomever may find my lost gear. (To my surprise, someone in fact did, and I retrieved it a month later in Eagle, Colorado). Had a quick double lunch in Silverton but needed to make miles before nightfall. These next miles were said to be brutally rocky, which is exactly where I suspected my tires would bust.
We ride the rest of the day, taking little breaks, knowing we are on track to finish by tomorrow. There are only 35 miles left to go, and then we are in the final town of Durango! However close it may sound, it still feels so far away as we watch another storm approach. We take a quick dinner break and find the tarp again, despite how wet our clothing already is.
The storm doesn’t seem to break, so we decide to just call it an early night and try our best to stay dry before we head out early in the morning. The rain is pelting us as we quickly set up camp. We are under the protection of a large tree, and Austin feels like a gentleman by giving me the most protected area. I am wary of the spot because there is a large tree root sticking out from the ground. Yet there is no time to delay, so we quickly sprawl out our tents and climb into them for the cold night to engulf us.
Ot has been raining for six straight days, and unfortunately I have no way to air out my equipment inside while riding. All my dry bags even keep the moisture in ironically. I am protecting my electronics before hopping into my wet bivy when I realize I can’t find my wool pants. Great… I guess I will just sleep in the shorts I was wearing all day. My rain gear is dripping, so that is out of the question. Disappointed, I slide into my wet sleeping bag, knowing full well it is no longer useful in 15-degree weather, let alone the 30-something degrees it would get to later that night.
I struggle to find comfort in my bivy that night. Despite which direction I moved it, I was still banana’d over that root and it felt like my head was lower than my feet. It was subtle enough to not bother fixing it due to the heavy amounts of rain still consistently pouring down. I inevitably fall asleep due to the exhaustion from the ride.
BOOM. Around midnight, a loud clap of thunder wakes me. At first, I am simply uncomfortable. My sleeping bag is sticking to my bare legs, and I’m suddenly aware of how wet my socks are. I begin to shiver uncontrollably, but when I try to warm up in the fetal position, I am restricted by the narrow seam of my sleeping bag. My breathing has increased to shallow breaths, and I try to focus on counting deeper breaths. Nothing is working, and after ten minutes of rapid panting, I realize I am having a low-key panic attack. I try not to think about the lack of oxygen in my bivy and begin to focus on counting in hopes of controlling them. I can’t even sit up as I am forced to understand the bivy is much smaller than it already is.
I am slowly being asphyxiated. A quiet, helpless sob escapes me as I pretend I am in front of an open fireplace. I need space, I need warmth, I need air. The sobbing grows louder, and I am hoping Austin is sleeping through it all. His tent is far enough away that he possibly cannot hear me through the rain pelting down. I open my bivy wall enough to let some fresh air in, but I am rudely disturbed by the brisk cold that seeps in.
I am shivering more, and my breath is still shallow. The tears stream down my face, freezing on my cheek as I question if this is how I am going to die. One single cold night, just a day before the finish. Panic continues to swim across my body as I fail to get my fragile body under control. Then blackness consumes me.
BOOM. Another rain cell passes overhead and I awake to the same bad dream. It is only 1 a.m. and I don’t recall falling asleep an hour ago. My body must have been so stressed it completely shut down to reset. By the crick in my neck, I am able to deduce that I passed out suddenly from fear. My body was still freezing, and I felt the beginning of another panic attack approach. My sleeping bag gathers more water with each frustrating turn of my body. The root under my back is digging into me, forcing me to balance on a downward slope as I feel the pool of water collect against my wall. This is my life raft, and I am so close to letting go. Minutes feel like hours as I fight for warmth and oxygen. The rapid shallow breathing returns, followed by the inevitable hopeless sobbing.
Austin calls out from the other tent, “Jen… are you okay…?”
I am not okay. I attempt to speak in between the tears, “Not really… I don’t know how to make this stop.”
He tries to reassure me that it will pass, and I go back to counting my breaths in distraction. No use. I am so desperate that I plea out into the darkness. “Can I come over to your tent?” There is a silence as Austin says what is on both of our minds. You can hear the pain in his voice as he states, “No, I don’t think that is a good idea, Jen. You will just get colder walking into the pouring rain. You need to stay put and keep whatever heat you have. If it helps, I have water in my tent too.”
I wonder if I should use my GARMIN GPS to call for a rescue helicopter- however my past experience with this device failed me. They had to wait until the storm blew over to land on the mountain, and even if they could get to me, it would still take a few hours to organize. I had to accept this was my fate and that even someone as prepared with equipment, test trials, and devices for maps/location could find themselves in this situation.
I feel helpless and at a loss for words. Austin is right. But I don’t know how to ignore everything that is happening right now. I am begging for my life. I once read that hypothermia takes only a few hours to set in. At this rate, I know I wouldn’t last long. Not if my breath continued to stab my heart. I return to my uninterrupted breathing and crying saga until darkness consumes me again.

BOOM. It is now 2am when a third thunderclap wakes me. I can’t believe this is still happening and am convinced I already died. That’s what I get for always chasing type II fun. I just had to feel the rush of living on the edge, and now I am departed, yet trapped in my undertaking.
My neck is now throbbing in pain – I clearly passed out again. I hate this so much. I can’t be dead because the shortness of breath is returning, telling me I am still fighting for what little is left. I am more aware than ever that I am in a coffin being waterboarded. Each pelting drop is felt through my thin walls, and I cannot retain any heat. These final minutes pass ever so slowly as I contemplate how I will actually survive this.
I am cramped on my side to create space for air. Suddenly, there is a warm palm on the small of my back as I feel heat surge through me. My breathing stops, and I am in a fuzzy, peaceful haze. I accept the delirious state I am in as I hear a voice inside my head, soft yet clearly saying, “It’s going to be okay.” I wonder if it is Austin, but I know he is too far away to sound this close. Something, someone is here with me. This tent is so small, but someone is inside here with me. I must be hallucinating or possibly having the worst dream of my life. The peaceful dread is temporary, and my breathing is uncontrollable again. I am so scared as I feel myself slipping away from reality.
I am in limbo, and this is my personal hell.
Flashbacks of all the times I have managed to escape death in the past appear. He has visited me so many times and over so many nights. Yet this time I fear he is finally coming to take me. Everything has led to this point, and I feel the pain of nostalgia recalling that I’ve seen this coming years ago. I am convinced that death must be in the tent with me. I am not sure why he would be so kind as to reassure me, but I am pretty certain that if some light appears, I am totally walking toward its warmth.
Death is beginning to feel like a strange embrace, and in this moment, I would surrender to the whispers of anything that offered solace. My chest aches relentlessly, each breath a tumultuous battle—IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT—like a mother enduring the raw intensity of labor. I ignore the tears that freeze upon my cheeks, my desperate search for oxygen overshadowed by the weight of despair. I crave a reason to cling to life, or perhaps a reason to surrender to this inevitable fate. I am weary of the fight, yet my body resists fiercely, and I am left questioning why this relentless struggle rages on within me. The lightning is within a mile overhead yet now the idea of getting struck by electricity sounds dangerously inviting.
Then I am reassured by a name. Michael. Who is Michael? My nervous system takes over again, and blackness embraces me a final time.
I am greeted by the song a of a single bird as morning light finds it way across my thin wall.
My body is incredibly stiff, and my neck is throbbing in pain. But I am still here. I rip out of my bivvy and sit upright for a long time. I am paralyzed by the senses that flood me. I somehow survived the darkest night of my life – AND WHO WAS MICHAEL? Deep in my gut, I know who he is. He is Saint Michael. I’m not even Catholic and know it was Saint Michael who came to me. In that moment, I recall a second name – Brandon – and quickly brush it off because I know so many Brandons.
I focus on the songbirds and the gentle wind, but I am numb to the perplexing confusion. Did I really make it through last night? Austin steps out of his tent to hand me my wet shoes, and I am aware that this is reality and that I have been given the gift of another day.
I snap out of it as he says, “We are getting the hell out of here today.” I am convinced by those words because I know I would never survive another night in that alpine cold with my damaged gear.
Our spirits lift along with the fog as we start seeing signs that we are 20 miles, 10 miles away from the exit. I am soaring through fields of wildflowers as I recall every night on this trail. Twelve days later, I am able to say I made it. I’m not sure how I did it, but it is almost all over. Just a few more miles and I will be on a real road again, heading toward real food once more. I no longer feel like a machine as my body slowly passes the finish marker. DURANGO. I am finally here and blissfully aware that I have a new life ahead of me.



I took one last photo of myself, a before and after on the trail. While I did not ride in underwear, I really needed to see what the weight of this trail did to me. A lot of people don’t talk about the struggles of someone trying to gain weight, but I honestly tried months prior during training to gain at least 15 more pounds. Despite the 20lbs of protein in my backpack, I knew I would never take in the right amount of calories. The trial was complete, and with it, took a piece of me.
I remember sinking into the longest hot bath that night after finding solace in a cozy bed and breakfast. As I released the tight braids that had confined me, I felt an overwhelming sense of unfamiliarity, as though I had stepped into a different reality. That same day, many miles away, someone else was fighting for their life. It was hours later that I would receive the heartbreaking news about a dear friend who had passed away the same hour, coinciding with my own exit from the wilderness. I find myself still grappling with the questions of when and why people leave us. It feels so unjust that some of us are granted second or even seventh chances, while someone I cherish like a brother has faced a sudden accident. I can’t shake the deep connection to him, both here and beyond, especially since I heard his name, along with that of Michael, echoing in my thoughts that morning. Life can be so cruel and fleeting. Though it is not my story to tell, Brandon will forever hold a place in my heart, and I will always remember that heart-wrenching August night.























