I started in the North of Africa, then headed over East, quickly realized I should try the South, and now I just want to go West. Far West.
In Cape Town reflecting on this entire trip. The past couple of weeks have been amazing. The various types of work/life balance, the relatively new and growing art community.
I want to remember so many faces. So many people have entered my life in a whirlwind way. And no matter what part of the city I was located, Table Mountain was always there – each time a new vantage point. Guess that’s how I’ll sum up this entire trip: same girl, different perspective.
Though I can’t pinpoint the exact perspective, I can affirm that she has grown significantly stronger. While I can’t claim to have entirely overcome my fear of abandonment or the need for control in uncertain situations regarding my basic needs, I now possess a better understanding of how to recognize these tendencies and swiftly disengage from them.
I’ve acquired the skill to swiftly safeguard myself by establishing clear boundaries. However I’m still navigating the process of consistently communicating these boundaries when I perceive that others may be disregarding them. Previously, this outcome seemed like a personal failure and flaw on my part. However, I now grasp the dynamics of conflict and have learned to separate my emotions from the situation. In fact, I am more likely to embrace the tension because it’s an integral part of who I am and how I want to be treated.
Gradually recognizing that the challenges faced in this region weren’t a test of my character but rather a test of my relationships with men. Growing up with a wonderful father, I found it difficult to meet his standards after his sudden death. Over the years, encounters with men displaying entitlement, arrogance, and controlling behavior left a lasting impression. However, traveling to new countries forced me to form fresh impressions of individuals. Abroad, despite different customs, I could discern the motives of men more clearly, often for the better rather than worse.
Ironically, embarking on this journey with the goal of understanding my relationship with myself has also led me to unravel and comprehend my connections with others along the way. And in the process I attracted individuals who were successful, generous, and genuinely authentic.
As a result, I gained a glimpse of my self-worth and came to the realization that I had been hindering my own progress all along.
My voice has been gone for weeks. Which often is a great indicator of my body breaking down. I think I’m ready to go home. I just wish I knew where it was.
Upon booking my flight back to Colorado, I’ll be returning to my van, driving west to retrieve my cat, but what comes next remains uncertain.
Nothing that’s the answer.
Nothing and that’s ok.
Nothing and it will greet me gleaming.
I’m ready for all the nothing.
No longer running. No longer controlling. Just staying open to the universe. It seems to have gotten me this far, so maybe I can trust that.